Wow, it's no longer just "me"

I'll go ahead and admit it, before having a baby I was a pretty selfish person. I have a good heart and will do anything for anyone, but when it comes to "my" time I am very selfish. I love having a few hours a day to cruise the internet, I like to walk around the mall by myself, I enjoy eating out on my own, or even going to see a movie alone. Call me crazy, but it is relaxing and sometimes I just don't want to hear other people's opinions.

Well now I have a baby who is attached to my hip nearly 24/7. And all of that selfishness has gone out the window. I find myself getting a bit resentful at times. Todd can come home and take a 20 minute shower, play his guitar, play some Playstation, and I have to continue on with what I was doing all day, watch the baby. I certainly don't mind, he goes to work all day 5 days a week and I get to stay at home, but I do long for those days of just leaving and driving to the mall to walk around and eat at the food court. I would love to shower without pulling the curtain aside every minute to check on her. I'd love to not walk around with a towel over my head because I don't have time to dry my hair right away. I'd also love to have time to pick out a nice outfit to wear for the day.... and also have a reason to wear it.

All of these things you give up when you become a mother. Days of eyeliner, curled hair, and fresh smelling clothes are gone. I traded it in for a burp cloth attached to my shoulder, crusty hair from spit up, and rings under my eyes. But after all of this complaining... I still wouldn't trade it for anything.

I never understood this until I became a mother. I would always see other mothers and wonder either, "how do they do it?" or "why can't they wash their hair today?" I was blind to the power of the infant. For years I watched my own mother juggle the schedules of my brother and I, as well as all of her household duties. She did EVERYTHING for us, and we seldom thanked her for it. I would leave clothes on the floor, empty pop can next to my bed, my bed not made.... and somehow it all got done. That's because she did it. She somehow found time between work, cooking dinner, and running errands to pick up after her lazy daughter.

Now that I am a mother I am starting to see these things for myself. Todd isn't the best about getting to things right away. And he also manages to get more salt on the counters than on his food... so my day usually consists of cleaning up after Kirsten, taking care of all of her needs, then cleaning up after Todd. I come last. Yesterday was the first time I showered since Sunday. Why? Because I was busy doing things for other people, there was no time to wash and blow out my hair. And that's okay... I still went about my day and even went out in public.

I used to look at people who wore sweatpants out in public as lazy... now I understand that they are just married and have children.

I try not to be "that" girl

I have been reading message boards and blogs constantly since becoming pregnant, and there is one constant, something that will never change... women complaining about the in-laws or their husbands. I would read the rants, and think to myself, "wow I am sooooo lucky to have wonderful in-laws and a terrific husband!"

Well... since having the baby I have honestly become that girl. The one that gets bitter about the dumbest things, or freaks out over the smallest mistake. I make plenty of mistakes, but for some reason when it comes to someone else handling my child, I turn into psycho mom!

I think I am rather relaxed when it comes to Kirsten. I don't mind people holding her, or feeding her, or changing her diaper. I welcome the break from those activities. I even allowed my own mother to take her for the night (while I was home) so I could get a full night's sleep. But for some reason, it being my own mother, made me more relaxed. However, when it is Todd or my in-laws, I freak out about every little thing!

For example, I give Todd the death stare when he is feeding Kirsten. I worry about him not holding her up right, or his technique is off. Or she will not be able to get right back to sleep when he is finished feeding her. I know the tricks, her little quirks, because I am home with her all day, and I take over the night feedings 5 days a week. So I know her little cues. I worry that he doesn't know them, and it will somehow throw her off whatever little schedule she has right now.

When it comes to the in-laws I am even worse. Last week while attending our baptism class I allowed them to watch her. It was only for about 2 hours, but I still worried the entire time. Were they feeding her? Were they doing it right? Did they attempt to change her? Would they know how to put the diaper on correctly? I only worry because I see how they are when I am around them, watching them with her. It is so hard to explain but the way they do things is so opposite of how I would do things, and really, they aren't even doing anything bad. I just worry, because I am that mom, the one that thinks that my way is the only way, and no one else can take care of my baby the way that I can.

Does this ever go away? Will I learn to relax or become more bitter as she gets older and can actually be influenced by others?

Kirsten rolls over!

Last night during tummy time I was showing Kirsten how to roll over. We usually do it in stages... belly, side, back. and then the reverse.
Well last night while laying on her belly with her arms tucked under, she rolled over!!!!! I was so excited and happy that I caught it on video!

Kirsten's first baby shower

Yesterday Kirsten and I were invited to my friend Kaitlyn's baby shower. I was excited for over a month, when I received the invite, to go to this shower! I would have a chance to show off my baby, and join in the excitement for Kait.

The previous evening we had friends over for a small party. We began a "tasting club" which involves someone hosting and choosing a beverage to "taste." We decided to host this month, and the beverage was infused vodka. We invited about 12 friends, and all came and had a great time. Kirsten was present, and was great for the first few hours. But then the party ran into her bed time routine, and she got fussy. I sat upstairs with her for a while, and then Todd sat with her a bit too. I think she was just overly tired and could not settle herself with all of the excitement going on in the house. She finally went to sleep at midnight, and did not wake up until 6am!

However, the morning was hard for her. After sleeping for such a long time, her schedule was officially off. She cried all morning and cluster fed for a few hours. She was not interested in falling back asleep or calming down any time soon. Todd took her for the morning while I got myself ready for the shower, and then bathed her and got her dressed up in a wonderful polka dot dress.

While in the car she was fine, she normally is in the car. Once we arrived I saw that she was wide awake and thought for a moment that we would not last long at the shower. I got her inside and immediately people flocked to her and talked about how cute she was. The trip was worth it just for that! I love showing off my baby!

I made my way to a seat, and sat with friends who I have not seen or spoken to in a long time. Its funny because while pregnant I was a little bitter about losing some friends. But not that I have Kirsten, I am much more forgiving and able to see past those petty things. I had some friends not show up to my shower, and it really broke my heart. But the day ended up amazing and fun, so in the end, I got everything I wanted. Wonderful gifts and I was surrounded by lots of great people. It is just funny to see how friendships change when your own life changes. I got married and had a baby within a few months, so it is understandable that it is a lot for some people to handle, especially if their lives aren't going as well.

Anyway... Kirsten was amazing at the shower. We ended up staying until 4pm. She would sleep, take her paci, drank a bottle, and was just pleasant the whole day. I was shocked and delighted. It gave me hope that she would be a good baby for more outings in the future.

We have another shower next Sunday, and I am crossing my fingers that it goes this well again!