So this is it...

When I was in 5th grade I won a writing contest sponsored by McDonald's called "When I Grow Up." We were to write an essay discussing what we would like to be when we grew up, and list the subjects in school that would help us get to that point. I went home the night that my teacher announced the contest, holding the flyer with Ronald McDonald on it, excited to write my amazing essay.

Why was I so excited?

Well that summer Jurasic Park came out, and after seeing it on the big screen I knew exactly what I wanted to be, a Paleontologist. What 5th grader understands that occupation, let alone can say it, is beyond me, but it is what I decided to do and I wanted to write to the people at McDonald's and tell them all about it.

I sat down at our kitchen table armed with a note pad and plenty of sharp pencils. I went through several rough drafts before I was satisfied and knew I held the award winning essay. My dad read it over, gave me suggestions, and we sat at our ancient computer (well now it seems ancient, then it was pretty cool we even owned one) and typed out the greatest work ever written by a 5th grader.

I submitted my work the next day at school. I even had it in a pink folder and included a title page, complete with dinosaur stickers. I wanted to win, and I wasn't below trying to out "cute" everyone else.

I am not sure how much time went by until we found out the winner, but on that fateful day, while I sat in math class doing long division or something, Ronald McDonald himself waltzed into my 5th grade classroom. I couldn't believe he had time in his busy schedule to visit my school, let alone come to my classroom. This was big.

We all sat in anticipation as we waited to hear what he had to say. "Boys and girl, I am here to award a special little girl with the award for the best 'When I Grow Up' essay." We were on the edges of our seats. Who was it??

Then.... he announced my name!

I felt like Sally Field when she went up to receive that Oscar... "YOU LOVE ME!" I wanted to shout!

I got a plaque, McDonald's gift certificates, and my photo in the local paper with Ronald. I was on top of the world.

I kept this up for a few years, loving science and wanting to dig for dinosaur bones for a living. When that appeared to be out of reach, and my hatred for math really shone through each report card, I needed to rethink this career path. In 8th grade I had a really amazing English teacher and she made me see that my strengths weren't in digging through the dirt, but in writing. From that point on, I wanted to be a writer.

I even went to college for this. I studied English and Art History and minored in Writing. I was going to write and no one would stop me, I mean heck, I had Ronald on my side!

And then I graduated.

Everyone jokes about it while in college, but the fact that my English courses were always so full, I never believed it, but English is such a joke of a major. Aside from being a teacher or actually being able to work for the Times, you're screwed. I was one of the few who thought I could live in a log cabin somewhere and just write. And people would love my books. I'd be a loner who frequented coffee shops and everyone would be like, "oh Erika sits on that couch in the back. She wrote her first New York Times best seller there." Sadly... none of this ever happened. Sure I frequent the drive-thru at Dunkin Donuts daily, but I'm sure they only know me as "iced caramel latte lady" and not the hip, cool writer who is between novels.

I was leaving work the other day when all of this came rushing back to me. I am so defined by being a mommy, it has consumed my life for the past 2 years, that I completely forgot about all of this other stuff. My job is being a mom, and working retail is what I do because I enjoy it, it pays some bills, and it works around my husband's schedule.

I wonder if I would have won if I wrote about that?

and now, someone else's words

To continue my "non-wordless wednesday" theme I wanted to share some words that aren't mine, but someone who is much better at putting together a sentence than me.

We have, Anna Quindlen....

The old arsenic hours were when the homework was done and the squabbling began and there was still an hour until baths and bed. (Once, I remember, I lied and said it was 8 p.m. at 6:45 just to get them out of my hair. Note to the mothers of young kids: don’t buy digital clocks.) The new arsenic hours are when I’ve knocked off work for the day in an empty house and have a cup of herbal tea and an hour of whatever’s on the DVR before my husband shows up for dinner. Occasionally, if the universe is feeling merciful, I will hear the dogs bark as the door downstairs opens, and a voice will call, “Mom?” And my heart sings.

I hope, like her, I never forget the days where I swear up and down to God that I will start going to church more often and volunteer at the fish fry if he/she gets me through the day. The days where Kirsten is teething, doesn't want to eat, refuses to take a bath, hates getting her diaper changed, pulls the dogs ears, and pushes me away when I try to hug her. I go to bed on those days feeling defeated. The toddler has taken over once again, and all I accomplished that day was running behind her as she tore apart the kitchen and living room. I hope when this is all over, and I am sitting here years from now watching horrible reality television (yes the future still has bad reality tv, and I still haven't broken my habit of watching it), I can just smile because in the end, it was all worth it.

My non-Wordless Wednesday post

In response to this article and news story... Follow the link

I have probably written this post 1000 times. As well as other bloggers. It is just an issue that keeps rearing its ugly head, and we are constantly forced to defend ourselves.

Recently J.Crew came under fire for putting an ad on their site that showed a mother playing with her 5 year-old son. They looked happy and sharing a great mommy/son moment. The issue people had with it though was that the mother was painting her sons toe nails pink.

The horror!

J.Crew thankfully declined to respond to this backlash, stating that they feel it is a "non-issue." And I have to 100% agree with J.Crew, what is the issue here?

I am trying to figure out what the story is, what's the big deal, why did I spend 10 minutes of my day reading articles of this today?

Stories like these make me sad. It makes me sad because I feel like, as a parent, we are constantly asked to defend our parenting styles. Why did you choose to not breastfeed? Why don't you cloth diaper? Why did you use meds while giving birth? Why don't you sleep train your kid so she sleeps at night? How much tv does your kid watch in a day?

We are constantly trying to make issues out of things that are non-issues.

I went through so much anxiety and stress after having Kirsten because I felt like everything I did was wrong, and I only had her for a few weeks. I felt like a huge failure and she had yet to turn one month old. I failed at breastfeeding and I felt really ashamed about it. I couldn't go to my favorite online sites because I feared judgement. When I did confess on a few sites that I had to give up breastfeeding because it was just way too stressful, I got a lot of flack for it. I cried for days. I even lied to a lot of people and said that I had an easy time with it and everything was going well, all because I wanted to feel like I was doing a good job at being a mom, when it reality it was just the opposite. It took me a long time to come to terms with the type of mother I was, the type of mother I naturally had to be because that is who I am, and just because someone tells me something is "better" doesn't make it right for me and my daughter.

So why do we do this to people? I can only imagine the amount of stress on a parent of a child who chooses to dress differently. All because WE put that stress on the person. People want these news stories so they can sit around and discuss how if it was their child they wouldn't allow it. We need to validate ourselves and our decisions, so picking on those who are different is the easiest way to get our fix. WHY??

I love the response from a parent to this article stating that we should raise our children so that they grow up to be loving parents. We all want our kids to be happy and following a good path, but I really never thought that I really just want my kid to treat her kids with as much love and kindness as I treat her... and as my parents treated me.

So is this an issue? Non-issue? Or is the only issue here that people just need to mind their own damn business??

Wordless Wednesday

We all need a morning "pick-me-up"