Do you ever wonder "what if"

Do you ever wonder where you would be in life if certain things never happened? If you would be a different person or still be on the same path?

I always go through my laundry list of past boyfriends and think, "Oh God why did I date that LOSER?" But maybe I had to date that loser in order to find my wonderful husband?

Before Todd I dated someone who was incredibly abusive and an alcoholic. Did I mention that on top of those wonderful attributes he was also addicted to gambling? I dated this gem of a guy for about 7 months. I spent wasted 7 months of my life with someone who was nothing but toxic. Why did I do this? Mostly because I felt really lonely. I needed someone to be there with me while my friends moved on with their lives or were off doing amazing things. I felt stuck in my life, thus I latched on to someone who will forever be stuck in his own life.

Those 7 months were absolutely terrible, with a sprinkling of a few nice moments. (I did my dog from him after all). He stole money from me, treated me like a servant, and never did anything out of the kindness of his own heart. I cooked him dinners, drove him around, sat at bars while he gambled away hundreds of dollars (sometimes large chunks of my paychecks).

I remember one time I had the flu, barely able to keep my head up let alone hold any sort of conversation or sit in a bar for hours. But where was I? At the bar, with my head on the counter, waiting as he spent 4 hours gambling. He was in another part of the bar, as I sipped on orange juice and got sympathetic looks from the bartender, and would text me to bring him another beer. A beer on my dime. About 12 beers in, and $200 lost, he decided it was time to go home. We walked out of the bar, or should I say, I carried him out of the bar. We got into my car and I listened for the twenty minute car ride about how I am a terrible person because I "judge" him for his decisions. I never said a word, but me sitting at the bar looking miserable gave him the impression that I was silently judging him for being an alcoholic who gambled way too much.

It wasn't until a few months later, when he ditched me at a wedding that I decided I needed to move on. Funny thing is, I never cried. I did not shed one tear for this guy. Moving past him was difficult though. I figured it would be easy, considering he was so horrible. Why wouldn't it be easy to move on from someone who sucked that bad? But his damage was done and I was left a hollow shell of a person. I started going out, a lot. I was obsessed with being friends with everyone, and being someone that everyone knew. I worked out all the time and became obsessed with my image. I wasn't myself, but I was getting attention, and that was all I needed.


(this was me, who was I?)


About 6 months later I met my soon-to-be husband and everything changed. I slowly but surely got myself out of that dark hole and became the person I was always supposed to be. I look back and wonder if all of this mattered. If all those "friends" I made were genuine (my guess is no) and if I really did look beautiful. I look at photos from that time and think, "Is that seriously me?" I am so different from that person, so far removed. I give Todd a lot of credit for pulling me out of that period of my life, but a lot of it was my own will power. I wanted to become a better person, and so I did. I got a job as a nanny, finished school, and we moved in together. I started to enjoy simple things and nights in, instead of having to constantly be social. I started to read more often and work on who I was on the inside. We would sit on our deck and talk for hours about nothing at all, and that was amazing to me.

I have come such a long way since dating the boyfriend before Todd, and I can't even imagine still being on that path. I look back and wonder if any of that even happened. It did, and it happened for a reason. Going through all of that made me a stronger person, and made me into the mother that I am today. I want Kirsten to know that people will come and go into her life, and even though she will suffer from many broken hearts, to hold out, because her true love could be just around the corner. And I hope she never under estimates herself. I was so weak after dating that guy, and was even weaker in the aftermath, but somehow found a reason to lift myself up and make myself better.