Finding My Way Back

Remember all those promises you made your husband way back when you first got pregnant? Or maybe you both promised these things to each other...

From the moment we learned we were pregnant (hugest surprise ever) we began making promises to one another. The first promise was that everything would be okay. Surely enough that promise was easy to keep. We made it through the shock together, and grew to really love being pregnant, and once Kirsten was born we forgot all about those initial fears.

The next promises were more selfish. "I promise I will never fall out of love with you." or "I promise to never lose that spark." These promises came when we realized that a child would change our way of life majorly, and we were getting very comfortable with how things were going. So it was scary facing the fact that our days were numbered as an independent couple. We went out whenever we wanted, ate whenever we wanted, and slept in on Sunday mornings. Things were going really well. We made all these promises to always make time for each other, to still go out with friends, and not forget who were were before baby.

... and then the baby came!

All those promises seemed to be lost in our new, chaotic life. Like zombies we wake up in the middle of the night and feed the baby, then wake up no later than 6am every morning. No more sleeping in on Sundays or staying up past 10pm. We come home from work and play "pass the baby" with each other. The person without the baby races around the house trying to get things done, like laundry or making dinner. Dinner is something that needs to be made within 30 minutes, or else we lost our window. No more steaks or making pizza from scratch. All of that is traded in for veggies that can be made in the microwave and plain chicken made in a pan. One person gobbles up dinner as the other dances around the room with the baby, then switch.

After the baby goes to bed at 9pm we are so exhausted that we just stare at the tv until someone finally says, "lets go to bed." All we talk about is the baby. No more discussions about politics or making elaborate plans for summer vacations. If we do make future plans we go through the laundry list of things we need to know before we can go somewhere... can we take the baby? is it stroller friendly? what will the weather be like? we need to go early so we don't interrupt her sleep schedule! how long will we be in the car?

So my question is.... what the heck happened? What happened to, "the baby won't change US." What happened to, "we will go everywhere with the baby. She will love restaurants and parks and museums!" Don't babies love these things? Apparently not ours!

I laugh when our friends mention the restaurants they go to with their baby. I think to myself, "my baby would cause such a scene!" We only take Kirsten to very family friendly places, where we know her screaming will be muffled by other babies screaming or the sound of 20 televisions broadcasting a game. And there always has the be the option of just grabbing the food and leaving at the first sign of a major tantrum.

So when did the promises fade away? Of course the first few weeks we were just trying to survive, and make it through our day. We loved our baby so much that it really didn't matter what we did, or if we ever left the house. Now, the weeks go by and we stop and realize that we didn't go anywhere except for work and the grocery store.

I find myself getting angry with my husband over the smallest things. I never cared before that he always managed to get more salt on our kitchen counters than on his food. I never cared when he left cups all over the house. Now, it angers me to no end! My blood begins to boil when I walk in the room and see salt all over and cups just left about. I snap at him, "could you help out a little bit?? Is it THAT hard to pick up a glass??" I'm sure he thinks to himself that I am on a constant 24/7 period, unable to see past the hormones.

The reality is that we are new at this, and we still have yet to find our groove. We always make promises. We make them daily. We always say, "when she is older we can do this" or "maybe when the weather gets warmer we can go out more." And the weeks just keep going by without much change. I am going to start making a real effort to start checking things off these promise lists. Who cares if Kirsten throws a fit in the middle of a restaurant, or she just isn't down with the zoo that day. At least we did something as a family.

Also, I am going to make more of an effort to connect with my husband like we used to. Instead of staring at the tv after the baby has gone to bed, I'm going to ask him about his day, and actually listen. I do care, it is just so hard to do when lists are flying through your head and your nerves completely fried.

I never thought we would be that couple, the one that needed to remind themselves that they are in love and all of this started with just the two of us. And at one point we did get along perfectly fine, without all this chaos.