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I have been thinking a lot about it lately, especially since a wave of friends are having their babies, and none of them needed a c-section. I get a knot in my throat when I think about it. I hate that I think this way, but it over comes me and I get consumed with the feelings of guilt and embarassment.
Why couldn't I do it? Why couldn't I push Kirsten out? Why didn't I take classes while pregnant? Why didn't I discuss fully with my doctor my birth plan? Would any of this had made a difference in the end?
I feel like I failed miserably at my first mommy duty. I was supposed to be super mom in the birthing room. I was supposed to push her out, have Todd cut the cord, and Kirsten placed on my chest. I wanted that photo so badly. I'm crying at the thought that I didn't get that stupid photo. A photo! All I talked about for months were the photos I wanted Todd to take after she was born, and the all important "meeting baby for the first time" picture. And we got none of it. Instead I have a photo of us with gowns on, hair nets, and me strapped to a table.
I realize I have my happy, healthy baby. She is perfect in every way possible. She amazes me every day with the new things she can do. I love walking into her room and seeing her smile when she sees that its me coming to get her. I love that I can make her laugh, sooth her when she is upset, and read her like a book. But then there's the guilt. And the anger that I didn't get the birth I wanted.
Maybe next time....
6 comments:
I could have written this word for word. I had soooooo much guilt from not being able to do something that BILLIONS of women did before me. I cried thinking about how my body didn't work the way I wanted and how, like you, I didn't get the photo of that baby placed in my arms for the first time.
And oh how I regretted missing that "moment" that everyone talks about having the moment the baby is placed in your arms.
I'm still dealing with the regret from it, but it's getting better. I don't feel like a failure any more.
Sorry this was a long comment, but I wanted you to know you are not alone!
Don't feel guilty! I had a vaginal birth w/oldest son, followed by an emergency c-section for son #2 (He was transverse when my water broke) and a scheduled c-section for my daughter.
Having had both experiences I can say that I preferred the c-section. 18 hours of labor, followed by an hour of pushing - was just that labor.
Either way you get your baby into the world - all that matters is that they and you are healthy!
Toni
www.marketmommies.com
My natural birth was actually really scary. It went way too fast and Lily went into distress. After she was out, they whisked her away (Greg never got to cut the cord) and I didn't get to hold her for 15 minutes, after which she was taken away again, this time for three hours. I didn't get to try breastfeeding until that time, which is part of the reason we failed horribly at that. I wouldn't want my birth experience again either. I still have a horrible case of breastfeeding guilt, and I always will. We're not having more children, so I'll never get the "do over" and that really tears me up. But, sadly, guilt is part of being a mom.
You shouldn't feel bad. What was the reasoning behind the c-section? You did what you had to do to get your little girl into the world as safe as possible. Just because you didn't deliver her naturally, doesn't make you any less of a mother.
Thanks for all the kind words!
I couldn't push Kirsten out because I got a fever of 103 and had a really difficult time breathing. I really wanted to try other positions to push, but was way too weak to even move.
Kirsten's heart rate was also 200 and not coming down, so she was in some distress. She also had a bowel movement in the birth canal, which made her situation a little more serious.
I am glad they got her out and she was perfectly fine. Any longer and she could have had some serious problems!
I have the same problem...however, I had a hellish experience. My anesthesia didn't take and so I felt every single cut, pull, and tear. Once they pulled DD out, they completely knocked me out. I cried for several weeks and sometimes still get upset because it was not the birth experience that I dreamed of.
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