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As I often mention, I frequent message boards daily. I love the idea of a community behind motherhood and message boards have really hit the spot for me. Granted, sometimes they can be rather childish and bitchy... generally they are very welcoming and helpful. I honestly would have jumped off a bridge if it weren't for some advice I received from amazing mothers on the boards I visit.
Anyway, a topic that is discussed often is the "cry it out" method. The number one discussed topic on boards is sleep. We all go into motherhood hearing horror stories of babies who didn't sleep for months! Or hear about these amazing babies that just sleep, all the time! You hear the stories, but then you get your baby and have to actually deal with sleep on your own.
The first few weeks are known as "survival mode" in parenting. You will do whatever it takes to get the baby to sleep. I began my sleep journey with Kirsten by waking every hour. And then every two. And then there would be times she would sleep maybe four hours at a time. But soon enough she figured it out and slept through the night, maybe waking once. This was amazing for us. Granted she was in her car seat or Nap Nanny, but still, the kid was asleep... gold star for mama!
However, getting Kirsten to those amazing hours of sleep seems to be the issue where "cry it out" comes into play. I prefer to rock and feed my baby until she goes to sleep. Sometimes she needs the bottle, other times she just falls asleep on her own, in my arms as we rock to soft music in the background. I personally adore this time together, especially after a long hard day.
For naps it is generally the same deal, except it takes place in the living room or while pacing around the house. Sure it takes away from stuff I could be doing. I have to drop everything, pause Lost, and pace around the kitchen in order to get her to settle down. I wish I had a baby that could be laid in a swing and just settle on her own, but Kirsten is very much a "I need to be held, and if you think you're putting me in that bouncer, you are WRONG" type of baby.
So some mothers turn to "cry it out." Something I personally have no interest in trying... ever. I hate the sound of my baby crying and feel it is my job to be the one who soothes her, and puts her to sleep (or Todd for that matter). I have had mothers tell me, "well you can't rock them to sleep forever." or "they have to learn sometime." Well what happened to allowing the baby to learn on their own? Meaning, I won't force her to learn it by placing her in her crib and waiting for her to just tire out and sleep.
I realize that the parents don't just leave the baby in their room and allow them to cry for hours. I just prefer soothing her to sleep by picking her up and helping her, than any other way. I only get these few months with Kirsten as a little baby... I don't want to force her to grow out of the "I need my mommy NOW" phase too quickly!
I took this from www.babycenter.com: Crying isn't the goal of this sleep training method, but advocates say it's often an inevitable side effect as your baby adjusts to sleeping on his own. They say the short-term pain of a few tears is far outweighed by the long-term advantages: a child who goes to sleep easily and happily on his own, and parents who can count on a good night's rest.
Perhaps I am creating a child who will require mommy to always put her to bed. But really, when will I ever stop putting her to bed. Maybe our routine will simply change... from bottles and rocking to books or songs.
I was always an advocate for baby led routines. I think that babies have this natural ability to just adjust themselves to their situation. I really have no other way to explain how Kirsten just "knows" that it is night time and goes to sleep for hours. If she wakes, I feed her and rock her, and she goes back to bed. If we had to do this 5 times a night, then that is just what we have to do. She will eventually grow out of it and begin sleeping through the night again.
Maybe as mommies we just have TOO much information sometimes. Too many books and experts and opinions.
I would really love to hear more about "cry it out" and sleep training. It was just something we never felt comfortable doing. But I have heard many success stories from mother who tried Ferber.
Sunday, April 18, 2010
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13 comments:
I agree...and disagree. I dont like the idea of CIO, and I would LOVE to follow Jacks lead, but for the past five, almost six, months, Jack has not slept more than an hour on his own. Im not exaggerating. He just...i dont know, he wont do it. And I dont want to make him, but eventually I think we are going to have to. Not yet, not til he is older, and hopefully he works it out on his own before that, but I dont think its safe to let him sleep in our bed, and I cant keep sleeping on the couch for the next two years, you know?
I had a very similar situation as Bekah. Lily couldn't "self schedule." During her first several months, we tried to go by her "instincts," but, frankly, her instincts were really lousy. She couldn't sleep for more than an hour at a time, ever. And she ALWAYS needed fed, because she would NEVER take more than two ounces of formula at a given time. Eventually, we had to push her to change. I started making her wait to eat, first two hours, than three. This allowed her to take more at each feeding. Finally she was able to sleep longer with her tummy filled. But, at a year old, she was still waking up constantly at night (every 2-4 hours). She had never learned to go to sleep without someone doing it for her, and once separation anxiety kicked in, she wouldn't allow anyone to put her down (asleep, mind you) without waking herself up and screaming bloody murder! At a YEAR OLD, this was totally not okay. She was old enough to do so much, and the night that she was literally laughing in my face because she suckered me into holding her for two hours was the final straw. I set her in the crib, awake, and left the room. She cried off and on for 5-10 minutes. Then she stopped, and slept for the rest of the night (about 6-7 hours). The next night, I put her in her crib awake. She cried for 2-5 minutes, and then slept for 8 hours. The following night there was no crying at all. She slept 12 hours. Now she goes into her crib awake, she holds her soft blankie and an extra binky in her hands, and goes to sleep easily and without issue. She'll sleep anywhere from 12-13 hours at a time, and wakes up happy. She plays in her crib for a while without any fuss, until I come and get her. She'll even go down for naps fully awake now! I always was completely opposed to letting her cry, but then there came a point where I realized what we were doing wasn't working and something had to change. I tried it (it really wasn't that bad) and it worked. She doesn't sit in her room crying for hours, and never has. You have to do what is best for you and the kid, as all children are very different.
- Fina
Both extremely good comments, thank-you! I am sure there will come a time when I may need to just let her go, I just really don't see how it is helpful at younger ages?
I have laid her down before, only because I was just soooo tired of carrying her around, in her bed wide awake and got in the shower. I got out and she was just laying in there staring at her mobile and playing with her little blanket.
So it could happen, and be effective!
Personally, I don't think people should do CIO before their child is roughly a year old. Prior to that, they don't understand why you're not responding to them. It doesn't really "teach" them anything, IMO. When Lil was around a year old, she understood that I wasn't coming in because it was nighttime. She accepted it, and moved on. A tiny baby can't think that way, though. You know?
This is exactly what I meant, trying it before an appropriate age. 1 sounds like a good time to try if you need to. Before that? The baby is still learning how to sleep, be in their own room, and how to interact in their surroundings.
It just amazes me when mothers of 2 or 3 month olds talk about trying CIO! Craziness!!!
I agree that you're little girl is way too young to be sleep training. You SHOULD enjoy these moments while she's a wee baby. I really miss those days with Olivia. She no longer needs her mumma to fall sleep.
I was and have been extremely lucky when it comes to sleep. I let Olivia lead the way and she's been sleeping on her own since she was 6 weeks old. I never had to sleep train her. We've had a handful of nights since then that she's just crabby, overly tired or sick that its been rough nights, but she's been the best sleeper I could ask for.
my daughter sounds a lot like yours. she hated to be put down to go to sleep. we literally bounced her on an exercise ball until just a little after she turned 1. she is about to turn 2 in 2 weeks and you know what i still crawl in bed with her every night. she loves to play with my hair while she falls asleep, we read books and sing songs and then she is out. often while laying there with her before i jump out of bed to have "me" time i just stare at her beauty and can't believe how fast everything changes.
i don't understand the parents that are just dying to put their baby down. put them in another room. let them cry and cry and cry!!!
these stages pass so fast. i will be very sad the day she doesn't need her momma to tuck her in...
Hey mama. I totally agree with you. At first I felt subjected to choose between fully letting her cry it out or going in in increments to assure her I was there but after a while, I realized neither method was for me. We have co-slept since birth and through unsuccessful attempts at trying to train her to sleep on her own, I couldn't stand her crying. I agree with you that babies are babies and will naturally want to be with you and change when they are ready. Even though it has been hard, our daughter who is now 3 is slowly wanting to sleep on her own and through the night. Good for you for sticking with something that works for your family.
It's good to read support from another mom dedicated to soothing her child to sleep. My son is not a skilled sleeper. AT ALL. Sometimes I get super exhausted and just need to vent about it, but when I do people just tell me to let him cry it out. It feels so wrong to me to let him cry. Crying is his only means of communication right now and he's using it to tell me he needs something, even if that something is just lots of comfort, you know?
Have you read _Unconditional Parenting_ by Alfie Kohn? I am in the middle of it. It's making me feel a lot more empowered that comforting my baby won't make him into a clingy, non-functional teenager or adult!
I had the same mind set as you at the beginning (until about a week ago actually) I rocked my daughter to sleep. However it just started getting harder and harder for her to fall asleep in my arms, It would take longer for her to fall asleep then she would nap for (only 20 min at the time). I decided it was time to teach her to go to sleep on her own and now she takes regular 2 hour naps. My daughter also loves to be held but this is so much easier for both of us. We didn't need to use cry it out, I was always there to soothe her when she needed it, there was some crying involved but she was never alone in her crib doing the crying. There was lots of whining and if it turned into crying I was there to pick her up and get her happy. It only took a day and she learned to sleep on her own. I highly recommend it, it changed so much for me.
I have to say E, Mostly I am with you and on some of these points I am but I think if my baby is >9 months old and still waking up several times a night (like more than 3) I'll be attempting CIO or something. But yeah the Momma's that attempt CIO at a month old... they are stupid.
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