The Great Mommy Debate 2010

Since becoming a mother, well actually, since the day I got pregnant it seems people have been pressuring me to pick a side on various topics. Family members, friends, and my personal favorite, strangers all want to know your stance on certain things, and will not be satisfied until they get the right answer. However, regardless of that answer, they will then force feed you their opinion on said subject.

For a year now I have been dealing with these questions and fielding the constant stream of unwanted advice. See, once you become pregnant you are now public property, or at least, that is how everyone else feels. The baby doesn't belong to you, you don't know what is best for it, and even your body no longer is yours. Everyone has an opinion on how to raise the baby, how to "be" pregnant, and which style of parenting is most effective.

So what are these Great Mommy Debates? Well here are a few of my favorites.....

Breast is best vs Formula Feeders: This is by far my favorite, yet also the one that causes me the most anxiety. While pregnant I read probably a dozen books, went to a few classes, and researched every single website ever dedicated to breast feeding. I was so determined that it would be the way we would go, and no one was going to stop me. I saw how easy it came to my sister-in-law, and how much money they saved on not buying formula, and knew it would work out for me too. I honestly could have done more "practicing" but decided being book smart on the idea would be good enough. Well the day came, and within moments of Kirsten being born I was told it was time to feed her. Boy oh boy did that not go as planned! I had a c-section so placing her on my stomach was not going to work, and with her screaming bloody murder, my mom hovering over me, and a lactation nurse telling me constantly to massage my boobs, I really had enough. I decided we would try later. Well later was pretty much the same result, and later after that, and even much later. Needless to say, after about 2 weeks of trying (and crying) I decided we just weren't going to breast feed. Kirsten loved her bottle, not the boobs I was told she would be so willing to accept as her main source of nourishment.

Here's the thing, the pressure obviously got to me. I had people on either side of the debate beating down my emotional door about breast feeding, and in the moment of truth, I let it all get to me. I had people telling me formula was just as good. Well okay, then maybe I should just give this up! I had people telling me BREAST IS BEST and Kirsten would basically die if I didn't feed her from my lady friends. Alright, call every lactation expert in Pittsburgh and tell them it's an emergency!!!

The first motherly moment I had with my daughter was ruined by OTHER people! And this endless, stupid debate. Why should there even be a debate? Some women have working parts, other's don't. Some people are built for milking, other's just can't produce. Sadly, I fell into the second group.

Stay at Home Moms vs Working Moms: This one I really only have one opinion about, it should be left to the family. Everyone feels it is their right to have an opinion on which side is better, and really, neither is better than the other. Let's be real here, childcare costs are outrageous, and not everyone has a family member who is willing to watch a baby for free. We are in that group, therefore, I work. However, would I look down on mothers who can stay at home with their babies? Of course not! They're lucky and very hard working! Being a mother is already a job, and what they do really should not be taken lightly. I really cannot stand when working mothers look down on stay-at-home mothers because they "do two jobs, and would LOVE to just be at home all day with the baby." Try it. I'm sure you'll soon be the "I love going to work because I need the adult interaction" person soon after.

I loved being home with Kirsten during my maternity leave. I also love having somewhere to go everyday. Neither is easier than the other, it is just different.



There are many more debates, such as post-partum depression, c-sections, and whether to baby lead schedules or create schedules for the baby. Mothers will debate all of these things until the end of time. As long as their are moms and babies, there will be strong opinions. I will never understand it. I will never understand why people feel the need to be cruel and nasty towards another mother, but it continues.

I wish being able to say, "let's agree to disagree" was good enough in these circumstances, but sadly, it never is. We have to be right and validated in our own mothering abilities, so debates will forever take over our lives. Strangers will feel the need to tell you, "get the epidural, you don't win a medal after birthing a baby naturally!" or "Just let the baby cry it out, they need to learn how to settle themselves." Maybe we just need to come up with some sort of filter, or a mommy defense system to guard us from these "unwanted advice" givers.

Or maybe I should give in, and pick a side on everything, and defend it to the end...... but for what?