Wednesday, April 7, 2010

The Great Mommy Debate 2010

Since becoming a mother, well actually, since the day I got pregnant it seems people have been pressuring me to pick a side on various topics. Family members, friends, and my personal favorite, strangers all want to know your stance on certain things, and will not be satisfied until they get the right answer. However, regardless of that answer, they will then force feed you their opinion on said subject.

For a year now I have been dealing with these questions and fielding the constant stream of unwanted advice. See, once you become pregnant you are now public property, or at least, that is how everyone else feels. The baby doesn't belong to you, you don't know what is best for it, and even your body no longer is yours. Everyone has an opinion on how to raise the baby, how to "be" pregnant, and which style of parenting is most effective.

So what are these Great Mommy Debates? Well here are a few of my favorites.....

Breast is best vs Formula Feeders: This is by far my favorite, yet also the one that causes me the most anxiety. While pregnant I read probably a dozen books, went to a few classes, and researched every single website ever dedicated to breast feeding. I was so determined that it would be the way we would go, and no one was going to stop me. I saw how easy it came to my sister-in-law, and how much money they saved on not buying formula, and knew it would work out for me too. I honestly could have done more "practicing" but decided being book smart on the idea would be good enough. Well the day came, and within moments of Kirsten being born I was told it was time to feed her. Boy oh boy did that not go as planned! I had a c-section so placing her on my stomach was not going to work, and with her screaming bloody murder, my mom hovering over me, and a lactation nurse telling me constantly to massage my boobs, I really had enough. I decided we would try later. Well later was pretty much the same result, and later after that, and even much later. Needless to say, after about 2 weeks of trying (and crying) I decided we just weren't going to breast feed. Kirsten loved her bottle, not the boobs I was told she would be so willing to accept as her main source of nourishment.

Here's the thing, the pressure obviously got to me. I had people on either side of the debate beating down my emotional door about breast feeding, and in the moment of truth, I let it all get to me. I had people telling me formula was just as good. Well okay, then maybe I should just give this up! I had people telling me BREAST IS BEST and Kirsten would basically die if I didn't feed her from my lady friends. Alright, call every lactation expert in Pittsburgh and tell them it's an emergency!!!

The first motherly moment I had with my daughter was ruined by OTHER people! And this endless, stupid debate. Why should there even be a debate? Some women have working parts, other's don't. Some people are built for milking, other's just can't produce. Sadly, I fell into the second group.

Stay at Home Moms vs Working Moms: This one I really only have one opinion about, it should be left to the family. Everyone feels it is their right to have an opinion on which side is better, and really, neither is better than the other. Let's be real here, childcare costs are outrageous, and not everyone has a family member who is willing to watch a baby for free. We are in that group, therefore, I work. However, would I look down on mothers who can stay at home with their babies? Of course not! They're lucky and very hard working! Being a mother is already a job, and what they do really should not be taken lightly. I really cannot stand when working mothers look down on stay-at-home mothers because they "do two jobs, and would LOVE to just be at home all day with the baby." Try it. I'm sure you'll soon be the "I love going to work because I need the adult interaction" person soon after.

I loved being home with Kirsten during my maternity leave. I also love having somewhere to go everyday. Neither is easier than the other, it is just different.



There are many more debates, such as post-partum depression, c-sections, and whether to baby lead schedules or create schedules for the baby. Mothers will debate all of these things until the end of time. As long as their are moms and babies, there will be strong opinions. I will never understand it. I will never understand why people feel the need to be cruel and nasty towards another mother, but it continues.

I wish being able to say, "let's agree to disagree" was good enough in these circumstances, but sadly, it never is. We have to be right and validated in our own mothering abilities, so debates will forever take over our lives. Strangers will feel the need to tell you, "get the epidural, you don't win a medal after birthing a baby naturally!" or "Just let the baby cry it out, they need to learn how to settle themselves." Maybe we just need to come up with some sort of filter, or a mommy defense system to guard us from these "unwanted advice" givers.

Or maybe I should give in, and pick a side on everything, and defend it to the end...... but for what?

9 comments:

CaneWife said...

::waves hand frantically::

I have a side! Me! Me!

My side is this (and it's a great lesson that I believe I was taught in kindergarten). Worry. About. Yourself. (Oh, and I'm not saying "you" to refer to the author of this blog. It's the hypothetical "you.")

[Disclaimer: provided you are doing nothing illegal, neglectful or dangerous]

Seriously, the world would be a much better place if we could and would support each others as mothers and parents.

Every child is different. Every family dynamic is different. Every mother is different. How on earth can there be a one-size-fits-all brand of parenting in those circumstances? That's absurd.

My standard mantra is this. There is no right way. There is a right way for your family. Anyone who has a problem with that really needs to find something better to do with her time.

Erika said...

I really couldn't agree with you more m'dear! Very well said. I try so hard to be encouraging to all mommies, and their choices. As you said, as long as they are being safe and not harming the child, I really can't have much say in what they do.

Here's the thing, we all hit "survival mode" and just try to do whatever it takes to keep the kid happy, and not screaming until their face turns purple!

Sheesh! Some people are just batty!

Steph said...

You're exactly right! Everyone has an opinion that they believe is right!

I breastfed my son (10 years ago) and HATED it for the 1st month. I produced enough, but he couldn't get enough milk to sustain...we found out when he was 3 weeks old that he was tongue-tied. That little piece of skin that connects your tongue to the bottom of your mouth was connected all the way to the tip of his tongue. When he'd stick his tongue out, it would make a heart shape, but he wasn't able to suck enough to get enough milk to sustain. We got his tongue clipped and he was good to go! No eating issues, no speech issues as he got older.

I nursed only for 3 1/2 months until I went back to work. Then we supplemented with formula for awhile and shortly afterwards formula only. This baby didn't get sick for the 1st time until he was 10 months old. Was it the breastfeeding? WHO KNOWS!!! That's just it --we just did what was right for him.

With this baby I am pregnant with, I plan on breastfeeding. Keyword: plan. I hope it's successful, but I will not carry guilt if it is not. I will make the right decision for her.

The work debate drives me crazy too. I'm not "less of a mom" because I work. I wholeheartedly agree with you. Each family is different and has different needs.

People are too judgemental and each should be left to make decisions for themselves.

You obviously love your daughter very much and ultimately YOU are her mother to make decisions for her.

Great post!

Erika said...

Thanks! Sometimes I just go CRAZY reading tweets and posts on boards about these topics. What will posting about how "breast is best" or "formula is just as good" really do? Probably nothing! Because we're all hard headed mamas who will just do what we want anyway!

Anonymous said...

I have a lot of mommy friends and sometimes I disagree with them, but like you said, there will always be debates about everything involved in raising a baby.

If you child is happy and healthy, you're doing a good job... that's what I say.

sfloyd said...

I chose from the start (really before Molly was born) that I would bottle feed. I knew my stress level and I knew that I would be overwhelmed with EVERYTHING in the immediate weeks following the birth of our DD...so I made the conscience decision to NOT breastfeed. I knew it was the one stressor that I could control...And I am so happy I made that choice. I've had people at my work (school teachers) who have given me the "what-for" about it....but I shut them down everytime.

As for the second debate...I wish I could stay at home with Molly but I'm afraid that I would grow resentful and end up hating it. I love my job!! I miss her everyday though!! Luckily, I work from 7:30 to 2:45...and have the summers off. Nice huh?

Fina said...

Great post, Erika! Now that Lily is one, and more of a toddler than a baby, I'm starting feel more removed from all these debates. I used to get really bent out of shape about the breastfeeding stuff, but now I have a smart, happy, healthy one year old, who was mostly formula fed. Obviously, formula isn't a problem and if I ever have another child, I'll try to breastfeed, but I won't beat myself up if it's not working out like I did this time around. I know it's not a big deal.

I really believe that every single thing we do as parents is dependent on the baby. One thing may work for one baby and not another, even in the same family. I do think that we learn a lot of things (and I think you're doing GREAT and seem ahead of the mommy-learning curve) that we can apply to other kids, but most things are dependent on the baby. For instance, Lily was always the worst sleeper. Looking back, Greg and I think we did some things "wrong," like swaddling (which we wouldn't do with a future child) and forcing her to sleep in her own room before she was ready (I think it's good for them to sleep near parents for at least a little while after their born, but we didn't do that at all, Greg wasn't into it). And I do think we over-responded to her every little sound. Now we wait 5-minutes before responding. She does much better now, and I think that if we had started out with the knowledge we have now, things would have improved sooner.

Would these things work with another baby? Who knows. I say that all parents should do what works best for them. I NEVER thought I'd let my kid cry for even 5-minutes, but it's what she needs. So, I'm really of the mindset that we should all just accept and support one another. I'm a lover not a fighter :-)

Anonymous said...

I think that whatever you do, make sure your decision makes you the BEST MOM to YOUR BABY. :)

So who cares what I do. Noopy is healthy and happy! And what's a cool effect of that is people who matter most to me support my choices as a parent.

Erika said...

So happy to hear from mommies who agree! Each baby and mommy is different, and we can't judge only based off our views or experiences.